Only someone who observed me as closely and for long as my mother would know how I deliberately put myself in difficult positions to get a desired outcome.
When I was in my fourth year of engineering, and already placed in a job which I would eventually join after college, I still tutored students of class Xth on Physics and Math as early as 7.30am in the morning on Sundays. Our neighbours were surprised to see a young girl who should be enjoying her off days, waking up early in the morning to tutor kids, but both my Mom and I knew it was a choice rather than a need.
The money I earned from tutoring helped me buy things for myself like the guitar I never learned to play or the expensive lunches at Mainland China more often, while my other classmates ate at Dhabas and Canteens and Dominos and KFCs of the city.
The preparation I had to do for each class I taught made me relearn the concepts of Physics and Math, and made me better in communication- something I knew would eventually help me crack the CAT exam which I would appear for after two years of working the job I would join (Common Admission Test for MBA in India).
That was the plan then. And I knew, although I am a self-motivated worker when it comes to assigned projects at school and at the workplace, I always had desires beyond the four walls of the college or any workplace, and to achieve them I needed to work harder. And I always have very less motivation to work harder. I am one of those people who won't bat an eyelid if they could, and those who get out of the bed only if the building was on fire.
I need to put my ass on fire to get such things done by myself. I hadn't studied for any of the engineering exams until it was the end of April and Dad declared I'd not be admitted in any private college or anywhere outside the city if I don't get through engineering. I proposed I'd join a bank job without a bachelor's degree but he said no to that too. In about half a month, I had to prepare myself for the engineering exam conducted by the state. I did and finally got through that one. The lazy Taurean in me keeps needing such sticks, such not-so-gentle reminders, to get my act together.
It's been so many years and I realize some things never change. I left my job so that I set my own ass on fire to do something else, something that would make me feel great about going to work every day, and something that would make life worth living, something my soul would appreciate. The first option was to finish writing my novel. If not now, then when? The story is getting older than I am.
I did work on the novel and resumed some secret blogging too. Blogging helped me clear my mind. And completing the basic draft of the novel made me realize I am very close to actually finish writing it. Realizing that made me slack in May and June. Maybe because if I actually finish writing it, I would have to finally figure my career out. And that would take my honeymoon period away from me.
And talking of honeymoon period, May and June have been nothing less. I have been living in this large 2BHK in the outskirts of Bangalore close to the airport for about three years now. When I had entered the house back in 2019, I thought it would be a short stay so I hadn't bought a lot of furniture. But once the lockdowns and WFH started, I realized home is not just a part of the bed where you sleep and a corner where you read a book, but more than that when you spend longer hours inside the house without work-travels or office commute. I furnished the house. My house opens up to a terrace that gives me the views of both sunrises and sunsets. The furniture in my house became too comfortable. I started loving the house so much that every time I go out for a vacation or to my parents' place, I would regret that my house remained unutilized.
I had no idea how people dropped everything in a heartbeat at the news of the lockdown and rushed to their parents' places. Maybe they weren't as attached to their city spaces or freedom as I was. Or maybe they never built homes out of the houses they shared with a flatmate. I always knew I never wanted a flatmate,
And even though my home for the past three years served me more than well when I was in my regular job and also doing Tarot Readings on the side, the comfort kind of became too much for me in May and June. I started taking naps in the day time that would often go longer. I started sleeping till late. I stopped writing as frequently as I was in April. I slacked to the point I would do nothing but just sleep and eat all day. Even reading was slower. To be fair to myself I did read a lot of books in May, but not as much in June.
So I created circumstances so that I don't keep lazying around about the house for six months and more and exhaust all my savings. I decided to shift to a smaller house closer to the city.
There are some perks here. The closer I am to the happening places of the city, the less time and money I waste in reaching them for leisure or meet-ups. The closer I am to people the more business I can get for all the energy work I do. The smaller the house I move in, the more reasons I get to purge the entire house and get rid of things I don't really need. I did Marie Kondo my clothes and bags and shoes back in March, but a lot of other things remained like kitchen items and misc objects. I purged them last night as I packed my belongings to shift. I want to practice minimalism big time but I am a victim of material attachment like a typical Taurean.
There were other perks I had thought of. I decided that if I move to a house I am not very comfortable with, maybe I would finally gather the courage to leave all my other belongings to and go live in Goa or somewhere I haven't lived in before. All this while, my very comfortable 1500sq ft Terrace House was stopping me from doing this.
I remember when I had joined my first job in Hyderabad, it was only three months when one of the Directors had asked the batch on who would be interested to join a new project in Mumbai. I was the first one to raise my hand. GC followed. And after much thought and deliberation, 8 other batchmates submitted their names by the end of the week. I hadn't thought much on how difficult it would be to move out of Hyderabad and to a new city to settle there. I just knew that Mumbai seemed like a great option and I would like to go there.
But today, I do think a lot. Maybe at that time since it was only three months in Hyderabad, I was ready to move out. I hardly had a lot of belongings. Even when moving out of Mumbai, I had sold my the few pieces of furniture I had overnight. But I am a grown woman now who spent a lot of time working from home, from her comfortable space. I can't bear the thought of moving to another city apart from Bangalore. Few days back I couldn't bear the thought of moving out of the house too. But I forced myself to do the same, so that I can explore some more parts of the country or the world while I still can, while my stamina and energy still allows me to. Otherwise I would soon become a couch potato and eventually, a couch.
As much as I love comfort zones, I hate what comfort zones do to me- they make me lazy enough to detest myself.
I shifted the house today. And the sad part is it is shitty as hell. It is so shitty that it has actually served its purpose. The rooms are so small that I would have no choice but to leave the bed and go to the lounge and sit near my study table to write. The entire house is so unattractive that I would have to travel far and away for a good vacation where I want to spend some quality time with my books or the nature. The entire house is so small that I have to let go of my belongings. Either I would sell them or purge them even further. Even the lounge is so small that I would have to go out to a cafe or co-working space to write or do my healing work. In short, I am no longer in my comfort zone and hence, my comfort can not kill me any further, it cannot make me lazy, it cannot make me detest myself.
The saddest part is it is difficult as hell. It's so difficult that I want to cry my eyes out, and book myself a truck to go back to previous house. I am only restraining myself somehow. Life would have been amazingly great if I could live in the same house and still go travel around, or sit in cafes, or get coworking space for my work. It would have been ideal and I would have been well settled. But maybe, as usual, I have desires beyond the four walls of the big house I lived in, and to achieve those I need to create situations that make me or otherwise I never move. When the Universe doesn't push me, I push my own self.
I want to see the world. When I say I want to see the world I don't mean to touch every country, but to touch many lives, to meet new people, keep going to new places, keep living in new places, one after the other.
And I cannot let my comfort zone stop me from experiencing all of life - the ups, the downs, the big houses, the small ones, the quiet towns, the busy cities, the mountains and the beaches. I hope I can only push myself further to see more than what I have seen so far (and I have seen a lot), to experience more than I can imagine, and live a full life.
A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. John A Shedd 1928.
(Do you think my blog posts should be a newsletter? If not, what do you think I should write about in my newsletter?)
Comments
Post a Comment