Remembrance and Renegade - Checking in with Myself from 2022

When I stepped out of my cocoon last year, I wanted to create a beautiful life... for myself and for other people like me - smart, intelligent, but unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, their potentials never tapped into, their hearts smashed every time they typed on their laptops and looked at the clock.

Time passes by for them and nothing happens. Or everything happens but just by the clock. Money buys them expensive shoes but where was the time to step out?

Every conversation was a game of poker where you bet or you call but you can never fold.

It's been a year now. I fear I may have failed. I didn't create the world I promised myself and my invisible readers. What am I doing?

My life only got worse. There were places to go to but where were the expensive shoes?

Fear, trapped me in an invisible cage I carried with me everywhere I went.

My neck strangled by a stranger's hands of expectations. How could I stand up to his expectations when I can't even stand up to my own?

I somehow got lost again, this time, in a new mirage. I forgot what my destination was, so I didn't pay heed to the paths.

Another stranger came, and I got lost in her words. Her words became a ring on my finger, never forcing me to do anything but always reminding me of her existence.

There were more strangers pointing fingers at me. There were more leading me to nowhere.

I stood there. Life was stagnant. I hung on to branches and leaves of any tree I could find. How well do you know a tree if you don't know how deep its roots grow?

I recognize that I chose fear. Another month, another year. I choose again. This time, will I be able to choose love?

I am only a rogue renegade now. I have stepped out of the house and I can't go back. I lost directions because I forgot where I was headed. There was no plan. There never is. But this time, I hope I remember what I set out for.