Who am I today?

 I woke up today without the burden of the past. When I opened my eyes, I suddenly felt amazingly light. I absorbed the bed I was in and the room. No lingering thoughts in my head and a lot of messages and notifications in my phone. Before reading them I thought of only one thing - Who am I today? And what grand and glorious adventure am I going to have today?

I love it when I wake up like this. I also acknowledge that I put a lot of efforts on doing the inner work the previous night just before sleeping so that the next day is better.

I have nothing on my calendar so I just decided to visit a place some 20mins far from where I am.

I want to post the testimonial I received in the morning. This is for my rainy days in the future, to remember that on a certain day I was brave enough to conduct a workshop on interpreting visions and dreams and helped a client achieve so much more, do her inner child healing and come out of her body-image issues.

The font is too light for my eyes and I have appended it at the end.

As the first couple of hours of the day elapsed I got back into rethinking this entire week and especially, yesterday. I held space so much for all the things people asked from me and put it in my calendar. Most of the things got cancelled last minute and I hate it when it happens, because I prioritized all this and scheduled my day around it. I hate that I am so sincere. 

Especially the corporate talk session that was planned for Saturday from almost a week back. I really scheduled so many things around it and postponed my travel to Bir. But it got cancelled yesterday. Just before it got cancelled, I had a weird feeling of uneasiness and nervousness. I didn't feel good and the presentation deck I made did not get saved, not even in the recent folder or temporary files folder. It was a bad omen, in retrospect. I told my sis that I need to go home to meditate a bit and align my chakras. Within half an hour, I received the message that my event got cancelled. I don't mind the organizer because it was not in her hands. But I wondered if it was my energy or it was my awareness.

My coach would say it was my awareness that I sensed it before it happened. But I also wondered how did I create this. Did I talk about it too much before it happened? Did I make it too significant? It was an important event for me and my life. It was offered to me unexpectedly and it had made perfect sense for where I am in life currently. Even more than perfect!

I am going to move on from this but before that I need to address my feelings. Only when I address and accept them can I truly move on.

I had a lot of expectations and hopes from it. I was excited about it. The topic was a game-changer for people, the event was a game-changer for me. But I had also put a lot of things on hold for it, and now I regret it. I hate to be a cry baby but I haven't shared a single tear yet on it and I must address my emotions.

So, what do I feel about it?

Firstly, when I don't believe in doing anything for free, I should have respected my ideology and probably not have agreed to do it for free in the first place.

Secondly, I should have still planned my travel trusting that I would get good internet and lighting anywhere.

(It reminds me I should try for those contact lenses again to avoid light reflections from my specs.)

I don't feel stupid, just a sense of premature ejaculation. :-D

I spoke about it to people in length. When you talk to people before something happens, two things happen-

1. If it is something you need to do, your brain releases dopamine, and you feel like you have already done it. Eventually you lose the motivation to do it.

2. If it is something that's going to happen, when you talk to people about it, about your plans, they also send some energy towards you. You can sense it by their words, facial expressions and body language. Like someone said to me - "Really? What are you even going to talk about?" or things like - "Oh, you are living the life!" or "You know what you should do - this and that". These are all projections. Your subconscious mental space contracts and lets in self-doubts. The energy of doubt is what I call it. And no matter how much of healing work you know, you better not bring in those projections and then heal from it. It is easier to not bring in those projections in the first place.

I can sense the energy of doubt brewing in my insides. What do I even have to say here?

So yeah, from my end, life would have been easier if I hadn't spilled the beans. There is also an energy of proving my intentions. Sometimes we share our plans so that the other person doesn't think we aren't doing anything or are a loser. All this happens subconsciously. The energy of proving is again too much expenditure of your energy. And if the other person subconsciously resists then it is just furthermore expenditure from your side to get it proved.

What if we don't need to prove anything to anyone?

I booked my tickets to Bir last night. I said fuck it! I am making my plans and the world can reschedule their events accordingly. I am not going to wait for that Mumbai offer to show up or that promised amount to be credited to my account. I say fuck it and fuck it big! I am not going to wait for the Universe to show me the way to walk on the way. I am going to make my path anyway and the Universe can then redirect me or direct me or whatever and I will follow its lead. I always do. But I am not going to wait. I am not going to schedule my life around waiting. I am not going to wait for things to happen. Nope!

Living it with the philosophy I am creating isn't easy. But if it were so easy everyone would be doing it.

Yes, I feel better now that I have written what I have written. And what happened this week was a mix of both my energy and my awareness. Information will come in my dreams and visions and awareness and I can't help it but what I can work on is my energy.

Yesterday, at night I avoided talking to a busy and accomplished man for a collaboration offer just because I was not in good energy. We can call it bad mental health, too. But that's fine because I like to give myself that space and time. I like to give myself that rest instead of being a fighter and suppressing what I feel.

Being a fighter would only put the control in the Reptilian brain, feeling my emotions would put it on the Limbic system, but when I feel and address my emotions and give myself some rest, my control goes back to my neocortex. And finally when I am in awareness and allowance, my control is back to my pre-frontal cortex. This is where amazing things happen. This is where creativity happens. This is where I think and manifest within seconds. Of course, my crown chakra and crown of manifestation is always working for the manifestations to happen. But the prefrontal cortex is my third eye chakra and oh, how I love my intuition and my awareness.

So, what if now that the worst has happened, I allow my allowance to exceed my awareness? What if better things are in store and I still don't know it? What if I can be willing to receive much more than I can imagine? What else is possible?

So, who am I today? And what grand and glorious adventure can I be on today?

Every morning we wake up with two choices - to either repeat yesterday or start a new day. I am here to start a new day, to live in the moment, and to say "fuck it" to anything that doesn't contribute to my life, my reality, my health, my wealth, my living, my desires.

Damn, I really love my blog! :-D 

And what is right about all this I am not getting? Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe something better will come my way which is meant exactly for me. And this time, I am going to say yes!

S:P:A:C:E