Living with a Funeral

I cannot plan for my birthday without thinking of you. Yours would come just two days before mine.

And I can only be grateful that on your last year, the three of us childhood friends could finally celebrate each other's birthdays and exchange our gifts - something we had planned every year of our childhood years but which never came owing to the summer vacations.

I can only be grateful that on your last year, you spent so much time with me- something we had missed for many years before that owing to the locations, as well as our own differences. I can't believe we didn't talk over some simple exchange of judgements towards each other.

If we were alive, you'd probably in the room next to mine, with Aunty, planning a road trip to either Coorg or Kochi, or discussing a business plan with that sitting amount in your savings account. Or maybe just spending my money on food. :-D

You know I don't interact with your ex-girlfriends anymore. They caused you a lot of pain. And all the boys who ignored you the year before that, I haven't really made an effort to meet them too. Something stops me from interacting with them as freely as I used to.

I remember everything, as usual. When we were in class six, and she proposed to you after discussing with us. And then you both sang the song Tera Chehra in a class and it was the highlight of the day. And then we were in class seven, and I borrowed the latest Bryan Adams album from you. A cassette of Room Service was the name. The song This Side of Paradise fits perfectly now.

The telecom service has given your number to someone else now. It feels empty to not see your whatsapp dp. My previous phone has broken and I don't find our last exchange of messages anymore. It feels emptier. I had written a note for you on Facebook and I can't find it anymore. It's on my Instagram for sure - Sanhita Baruah on Instagram: “Maybe words do immortalize people... I hope they do. I have heard enough about the calm before the tempest to believe in one. Happiness…”

I hate it that I have never seen you in my dreams. So I question the ones others have seen.

I hope you are happy now, wherever you are. This is not even a eulogy- just a lot of emotions pouring out of my eyes and finally through my fingers to this record.

I can only be thankful for the summer of 2017. I don't know how I would have taken your loss without it.

Thanks for the tears. I needed it. I hadn't cried like this in months.

Happy Birthday in advance. You'd be 32 this year. Rest in peace. You have my love and you know it.

Remnants of a smile on a stone-cold face

And maybe you can fool everyone again

That death isn't as painful as we make it to be...

Some tears bottled up from months gone by-

You'd say judge not how one deals with loss...

Dying dreams like drops of dew under a rising sun,

You'd laugh they don't chain your ankles anymore...

We'd cry for we wouldn't know any better

And make stories of your new whereabouts, 

Playing MJ songs and laughing at your own jokes...

Or in a make-believe world of hope,

Somewhere in peace in a dreamless sleep...

(Poem written on 14th September 2017)

"Are You a Lesbian?"

“Are you a lesbian?” A friend of mine once asked me mockingly when we were discussing about my aversion from some (“some” not “all”) kind of men. “No. But does it matter?” I asked her scornfully. No, I wasn’t bothered that I was asked a question about my sexuality. But what I didn’t understand was that is being a lesbian a matter to be jeered about? What if I was one? Wouldn’t I be hurt and embarrassed that my sexuality was just mocked at? Why are the words “gay” or “lesbian” used as slangs? Another incident, that took place a couple of years back, was when I was teasing two girl friends of mine, accusing them of having an affair. I considered it as normal as teasing a guy and a girl. One of them found it so disrespectful that she, instead of simply denying the fact, chided that she isn’t of such “third class” standard. I later discussed the small argument that we had, with her, trying to make my point that being a lesbian or a transgender doesn’t define anyone’s cla...

Ablaze Within ...

It was either for the scorching sunrise that hurt her eyes or the cold breeze that blew scratching the fresh wounds on her arms, but Disha could tell that her friend had tears in her eyes for some reason or the other. “Nothing,” Razia said, when confronted by Disha, hiding her eyes as she wiped her tears with her hands. “Got paid?” Disha enquired. “Yes.” Lied Razia while walking towards the place she has been calling home from the past couple of years. She headed for the bathroom as she entered her room where two girls were sitting, one smoking a cigarette while the other wearing make-up in front of the broken mirror in the room. Razia cleaned her skirt that was smeared with her blood. She wasn’t prepared for it. After all it was that 14- year old’s first time. Not the first time that she had been “ridden” by men, nor the first time that she bled while bearing the intolerable pain the men gave her, but for the first time that she painlessly bled indicating a cycle o...

Ek Tha Tiger : Review

A huge fan I am of the actor Salman Khan, but as asked by my friends for an unbiased review (i.e. assuming it was just another actor and not THE Salman Khan) here it goes: 5 stars is what I would give it just after recalling Salman's face once, but "committing" to my promise as stated above, I am giving it somewhere between 4 and 4.5 stars. Now, I know that many critics have given it 3 stars but ignoring every other review or the star's charisma I give it a 4 that goes solely to the movie. One star I have deducted because the dialogues at the very first scene did not live up-to my expectations. Nor was Salman looking his very best (I felt like he was having a cold or the likes of that). The action scenes were not over shown or dramatic like that of Bodyguard’s (albeit it came as a nice surprise to me). But the unexpected twists and turns after the interval of the movie are what made the movie one of a kind. You would expect something to happen while the oppo...

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